Tuesday, July 31, 2012

What The Hell, 2012?!

Dear 2012,

I thought your friends 2009, 2010, and 2011 were rough! I had no idea what was coming. Maybe I am just worn down after the last 3 years. Maybe I'm just older and I can't fathom doing this for the rest of my life. I don't know.

You started off ok. Couple of colds, a few fevers. Then Spencer had the flu. Spencer had the flu and I washed a ton of laundry because he couldn't make it to the toilet on time to throw up. I then tripped over the laundry basket and hurt my arm. That should have been it for the year. The bad thing that happened. A month in a splinty thing. When, a few weeks later, I finally got a car after nearly two years without one? I thought things were looking up. I started planning this amazing summer with my little guy before he started school. Because he is STARTING SCHOOL ALREADY. What the hell?

Anyway, I pictured us staying up late to chase lightning bugs. I planned to blow more bubbles and throw more water balloons than I could count. I bought us fun outside stuff. We took walks almost every day. I lost a decent amount of weight. This was all before June. In June, work started to slow down. A lot. Then suddenly I had nothing to do. I was making far less than my bills were every month. Yikes. So I found some new opportunities, and those eventually worked out, but I still haven't seen the money from them. This month. Later this month I will have money.

So, June 26th, 2 days after my baby turned 4 years old and almost broke my heart, my back went out. two trips to the ER, firing my doctor, and a whole ton of stretches and pain pills later, I can almost walk. On July 31st. Now that summer is almost over.

That couldn't be the end of it though, could it? No. See, I still have no money. Of course the dryer breaks when I have absolutely NO money. Of course I have to host an event for which I can barely lean over to clean for. So I moved it to the park, because, really, unless I wanted to have a kid's Lego Duplo Read and Build party and a simultaneous party for their moms to all help me clean my house, that's the best option. I don't have to clean the park.

To top off the personal stuff, my mom is having three surgeries before the end of the year. One of my friends has a 10 week old baby having surgery tomorrow. After endless promises to have 2 days off a week and see Spencer more, my ex is stuck working 6 or 7 days a week still (usually 9 am to 9 pm).

I cannot take this anymore. I can't function. I don't sleep. I can't think. All I do is worry. My grey patch is growing. Cuff or no cuff, I can tell my blood pressure is high. I've started having big anxiety attacks again. I need a damn break. Is that so much to ask for? I see people who leave their kids and go party every weekend, or even during the week, and I just don't know how they even find a sitter. I have no friends left. I mean, I have the regulars that will always be there in some capacity, but I don't...I don't have anyone to talk to in person over ice cream. I don't have anyone that I can vent to that could pass me a tissue if I start to cry. I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. I don't want to whine. I just want what everyone else has. Why can't I have friends? Why can't I have a life outside of my child? Why is it so easy for everyone else, but so hard for me? I love my son, I do, but I need a break. I need to breathe.

I can't breathe.

This was the longest break I've taken from working since I was at the emergency room. Back to work....

...but it would feel so much better to just collapse on the floor and cry.

I've made it so long like this. With nothing. I have tried for years to claw myself out of this hole I ended up in, and I can't do it anymore. I just want to let go, fall back in the hole, and sob.

Nobody would notice if I did...

So just stop it, 2012. Stop it and tell 2013 to just leave me the hell alone. 


Friday, July 20, 2012

Something's Missing

Facebook has brought me back in touch with people that, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have ever seen again. In some instances, that's not so great. In others, though, I get a glimpse into my past that I had kind of forgotten was there.

I went to high school at a very small school. Like, I stared at corn when I was done with a test and other people were still working on it because...well, because that's all you could see. Corn or beans on alternate years. At our school, grades 7-12 were in one building...and there were still only about 600 kids in the school. People were close. You knew everyone. You could feel comfortable there because you had known all the same people forever. Even if you didn't like them, you still basically knew what to expect, and in the long run, at our tiny little school at least, if you really needed something someone would help you out.

That's missing now. I see people on Facebook that married their high school sweethearts. Others have stayed good enough friends to be like sisters by now. I feel like I'm missing that now. After high school I ran back to the slightly larger city that I was originally from. I have made acquaintances, but few true friends along the way. I have two people that I know will be in my life forever. That's it. Just two. I hardly see them.

I miss the small, close community. I miss living somewhere where other people helped out just because that's what you did. I miss the predictability of seeing the same people everywhere....sometimes. I miss knowing who is reliable and who is not. I miss..people. I feel isolated and alone in the world I have created for myself. I feel like something is missing.

I think I need to start doing some reconnecting. I think I need to connect with new people, too. I need to be there for people the same way people have been there for me. I need to hope that there are still people in this world that will help because helping is the right thing to do. If all else fails? It's only a 30 minute drive, I guess!

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